By: Michelle Nortje
I recently finished reading Brené Brown’s “Gifts of Imperfection” (2010) and found it to be surprisingly relevant to so many of my clients’ and friends’ narratives.
I began thinking about how shame might be affecting all of us without us even realising it, because of our tendency to so astutely avoid such a tricky feeling.
What is shame?
Shame can be defined as a key emotion that often leaves us feeling inadequate, isolated and unworthy. It is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging or connection. Unlike guilt, which centres on our behaviour (“I did something bad”), shame targets our very identity (“I am bad”). It’s this attack on our core sense of self that makes shame so debilitating. Trauma, for example, can often impact on how we see ourselves and lead to strong feelings of shame.
However, how we respond to shame can significantly influence how much this emotion might impact on our daily lives. Brené Brown’s research explores the impact of shame and vulnerability, and offers us useful insights on how we can develop shame-resiliency as a way of helping us manage this difficult emotion.
The Path to Shame-Resiliency:
The hopeful approach in Brown’s book highlights that we can develop and grow our resiliency in order to overcome shame. Shame-resiliency doesn’t mean we will never feel shame again or that we can get rid of this feeling, but rather it encourages us that by practising these steps below, we can learn to handle shame in healthier ways.
Here is a brief outline of five key steps to building shame-resiliency:
1. Recognising Shame
The first step is to become aware of the physical, emotional and mental signs of shame. Our body often responds to a situation, before our mind catches up. Sweaty palms, a racing heart, or the urge to hide can be signals that shame is affecting us. Identifying these cues helps us to pause and choose a response that might prevent shame from taking root.
2. Catching Shame Triggers
We all have different vulnerabilities that make us susceptible to shame in certain contexts. For example, for one person it might be appearance, and for another it could be parenting, career, or relationships. If we know our triggers, we are better equipped to prepare for situations that we know might provoke a shame response, and allows us instead to approach the situation with pre-prepared self-compassion.
3. Practising Awareness
Shame thrives in silence and secrecy. Brown instead suggests that we challenge the messages that reinforce shame. For example, we can ask ourselves: Are these expectations I have set for myself realistic? or Who benefits from my feeling of inadequacy? Practicing awareness about our emotions, means challenging the external pressures to fit in and questioning the societal standards that can fuel shame.
4. Speaking About Shame
One of the key findings from Brown’s research is that shame cannot survive in the face of empathy and connection. When we reach out to others safely and speak about our shame narrative, we invite connection and compassion. This act of vulnerability defuses shame’s power. Finding trusted friends or professionals who can hold a space to look at your experiences with a gaze of non-judgement, compassion and grace, can break the shame cycle.
5. Wholehearted Living
In her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, Brown introduces the concept of Wholehearted Living as an “antidote” to shame. Wholeheartedness is about engaging with life from a place of worthiness. It means actively using and building values of courage, compassion, and connection, and letting go of shame-driven expectations such as perfectionism, people-pleasing, numbing and avoidance.
- Courage is about sharing our story openly in safe places, even when it’s uncomfortable.
- Compassion starts with showing grace to ourselves, especially when we make mistakes.
- Connection reminds us that we are not alone in our experiences of shame.
Shame is a powerful emotion, but it doesn’t have to define us or how we experience the world. Using Brené Brown’s research on vulnerability and wholehearted living as a starting point, we can begin to develop the skills needed to practise shame-resiliency. If you are struggling with experiences of shame and would like support to navigate the steps to building shame-resiliency and worthiness, reach out to a mental health professional.
Article supplied with thanks to The Centre for Effective Living.
Feature image: Photo by Sanju Pandita on Unsplash
About the Author: Michelle Nortje is a psychologist who works with a range of age groups and mental health issues, including Solution Focused Brief Therapy (SFBT), Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT), Positive Psychology, mindfulness-based approaches, Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), Attachment theories and psychodynamic theories.